I have mentioned before that I am to be the mother-of-the-bride next June. This fact has brought on many thoughts and emotions since my daughter’s engagement last March. Happiness, excitement, twinges of sadness, nostalgia…all of it. However, the one emotion that keeps rising, and I keep trying to keep at bay is panic. I’m not panicked over finances or the food or the guest list. I’m panicked over what I’m going to wear. Yes. There…I said it. I’m a self-absorbed woman, plagued with vanity. My only daughter is getting married, and I’ve spent more time looking at mother-of-the bride dresses than I have wedding gowns.
The thing is I think it’s fairly easy when you’re young and pretty and thin to find a wedding gown that is going to be beautiful. I am not worried one bit that we will find a perfect gown for my daughter that fits that description. But when you’re not young and have to work really hard to achieve something that’s not quite pretty, and not thin….well, it is harder.
And let me tell you something else… The manufacturers of said mother-of-the-bride dresses have not made the task any easier with some of the monstrosities that have shown up after a couple of Google searches. I just…I can’t…I can’t even… The cuts, the colors, the accessories, even the models they sometimes use are largely ridiculous. Before I started searching out and investigating these types of outfits, I had no idea of what I was supposed to wear. I’m guessing something that will sort of go with the color scheme of the wedding, and apparently I’m not supposed to wear beige. That is for the mother-of-the-groom. I’m not sure why. I didn’t write these rules.
Now that I’ve perused the internet a bit, I’ve also learned something else: no shoulders. Ever. I’m serious. A bride and all her maids can bear shoulder after shoulder after shoulder, but for the mothers it is the worst cardinal sin. I find this interesting because my shoulders are two of the least offensive body parts I own right now. I was sort of thinking that if I got to show my shoulders that maybe no one would look at my thighs or my ankles or my hair, which is bound to frizz that day. But no. Absolutely no shoulders.
Don’t believe me? Oh, I have proof of this shoulderless world of bride mothers…
SPECIMEN #1: YOU CAN LOOK AT THIS FITTED BLAZER, BUT DON’T YOU DARE PEEK AT MY SHOULDERS.
I mean all 5’2″ of me would look ridiculous in this number, with or without the extreme shoulder coverage, but still… I think they have even glued the collar to her neck, so you won’t get one little peek.
SPECIMEN #2: I SEE YOU TRYING TO LOOK AT MY SHOULDERS, SO I’M GOING TO DISTRACT YOU WITH A RUFFLE OR TWO…OR TWENTY
…and if the ruffles don’t work, the hideous flower pinned right by my cheek will surely make you forget that I have shoulders under this little bolero. Has anyone really worn a bolero since 1986? Anyone? Anyone?
SPECIMEN #3: YOU WILL NOT SEE MY SHOULDERS, EVEN IF IT MEANS MY LOOKING LIKE A TALL, THIN MUSHROOM.
Again, a short person like me really would look like a mushroom, but honestly…what were they thinking?! Obviously, that the shoulders of someone over forty are worse than forest fungi.
SPECIMEN #4: JUST FORGET MY SHOULDERS AND LOOK AT ALL OF THIS WONDERFUL, FLOWING GAUZE
If I were going to go to these lengths (no pun intended) to cover my shoulders, I’d probably just opt for a knit shawl. At least that would be a little funky and fun. This is like dressing in your drapes, but not in the super chic Scarlet O’Hara way. It’s more like my Great Aunt Maude way.
SPECIMEN # 5: YOU DON’T LIKE GAUZE ON MY SHOULDERS? ALL RIGHT, THEN HOW ABOUT STREAMING FROM MY WAIST?
I think it’s fair to say that someone would need to walk in front of me carrying a portable fan to achieve this look. Who needs flower girls?! I need a fan girl. And all of this to forget that I have shoulders….
SPECIMEN #6: STRIPES (BIG, FAT, BLUE ONES) ARE THE NEW SHOULDERS.
And on another note, are ALL mother-of-the-bride models six feet tall?
SPECIMEN #7: MY FAIR LADY HAT. BIG BLACK CORSAGE. OBNOXIOUS STATEMENT NECKLACE. POORLY PLACED LACE. WHAT SHOULDERS?
I’d almost wear something like this just for the laugh. Almost.
SPECIMEN # 8: THIS HAT WILL MAKE YOU FORGET THAT GOD EVER CREATED SHOULDERS.
No words. None.
SPECIMEN #9: PLEASE, LOOK AT MY CLEAVAGE INSTEAD OF MY SHOULDERS. PLEASE.
Or if the cleavage doesn’t interest you, you may choose the monochromatic bow just under my cleavage as your focal point. Your choice.
SPECIMEN #10: A LITTLE BIT OF LA…UH, WAIT A MINUTE…I THINK I MIGHT LIKE THIS ONE…
Yes. A different color combo, but this one actually has potential. I haven’t completely lost my faith in humanity or matronly dress designers. And guess what? You can kinda see her shoulders!
Disclaimer: The names of these specimen dresses are not real. If you’re actually interested in one of these dresses and apply the above titles to a Google search, the writer of this article will not be held responsible for what turns up in your feed.
